Last night was the longest, and hardest anxiety attack I have had in a while, I think, due to not being at therapy for two weeks, it has taken it's toll. I'm not coping and I'm making the ones I love miserable.
Last night I became paranoid, I had relapsed this week, I've hurt myself in a multitude of ways and I can't forgive myself for what I've done, I feel guilty, I'm wearing long sleeves no matter how hot it is getting, I binge, and then I starve myself.
But focusing on last night, last night my whole world felt like I was crumbling, like every evil in this world was caused by me, my head was spinning, I couldn't breath, I couldn't relax myself, and then I got my phantom limb.
My phantom limb happens a lot, usually when I panic or expect pain. It isn't as though I'm missing a limb myself, which is usually the case for an amputee, but rather like having something done so often, every time you expect pain or fear you can feel it come back again. And my phantom limbs are SD's hand wrapped tightly around my wrist, and although it isn't moving, I can feel him twist it, I can hear cracking sounds, I feel the physical pain...
I also have it (which is mostly what I get in public) the feeling of his hand grabbing the back of my hair, I panic because I can feel the pull and the pain, and even though it isn't happening, it still hurts.
When I feel this, I want to vomit, experiencing the actual pain all over again, but I couldn't help but hate myself. Right now I don't even think I've fully left my anxiety attack, I think that my boyfriend hates me, even though he said he doesn't, I feel as though no one is caring, I cannot stop my shaking, my heart rate is pounding, I'm ready to be sick and the pain the back of my head is unreal.
I couldn't sleep all last night, I had a few hours in the morning but mainly I sat in bed trying to use my techniques to calm down, I just couldn't. It was the first time in a few weeks that I had thought about suicide, I couldn't cope with the pain, I couldn't cope with telling my mum that I'd hurt myself again, I couldn't cope crying any longer.
But I still woke up this morning, I'm still going to therapy, I'm still trying to be normal. And it is hard.
I don't want to end this post so negatively, I want to show you something to be proud of.
Below you can see a picture of my 1 stone weightloss with a total inch loss of five inches...
Lots of love,