The Lucy Eperience

The Lucy Eperience

Monday, 24 March 2014

Mondays are good days... sometimes.

Mondays are the days that I weigh in for Slimming world. It is the start of my week and can affect how the other 6 days turn out! The past two weeks have been a big weight loss, I have zoomed past my one stone mark and I am now 1st 2 1/2 lb lighter! I am two and a half pounds away from my next stone bracket and four and a half away from my one and a half stone award!

 (Queue the applause)

This week I have lost three pounds, a great achievement considering I was completely miserable up until Sunday and crammed the worst food down my throat that I could find... Including (don't judge me) donner meat pizza... Mum and I could feel the fat build up around our major organs with every bite!

But on Sunday my best friend, who is like my sister, got a lovely surprise as her boyfriend planned for me, her and one of our other lovely friends to go to a spa weekend! Hours of relaxing in a jacuzzi, sweating in the sauna and burning off the calories in the steam room! We were pampered with a back massage, facial and foot scrub and treated with chicken Caesar salad with cous cous and chocolate cake! So the weightloss has come as great news! I'm excited to reach my second and feel as though I have found some motivation!

As you all may know, I did slimming world back when I was 15, running by myself and constantly out pushing myself to run harder and faster, but that was when I had something to run away from, now I run for the love of it, I love knowing that each step forward I take is getting me closer to how I was, closer to being normal again!

I feel very proud of my achievement and is a long time coming, but I have worked so hard for it and once I can take my old clothes out of the suitcase in my wardrobe, I'll know how well I have done!

There will be a post on Wednesday after CBT, and hopefully it will be up earlier than normal as my sessions have been moved backwards by half an hour!

Have a great week!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Anxiety and I

Last night was the longest, and hardest anxiety attack I have had in a while, I think, due to not being at therapy for two weeks, it has taken it's toll. I'm not coping and I'm making the ones I love miserable.

Last night I became paranoid, I had relapsed this week, I've hurt myself in a multitude of ways and I can't forgive myself for what I've done, I feel guilty, I'm wearing long sleeves no matter how hot it is getting, I binge, and then I starve myself.

But focusing on last night, last night my whole world felt like I was crumbling, like every evil in this world was caused by me, my head was spinning, I couldn't breath, I couldn't relax myself, and then I got my phantom limb.

My phantom limb happens a lot, usually when I panic or expect pain. It isn't as though I'm missing a limb myself, which is usually the case for an amputee, but rather like having something done so often, every time you expect pain or fear you can feel it come back again. And my phantom limbs are SD's hand wrapped tightly around my wrist, and although it isn't moving, I can feel him twist it, I can hear cracking sounds, I feel the physical pain...

I also have it (which is mostly what I get in public) the feeling of his hand grabbing the back of my hair, I panic because I can feel the pull and the pain, and even though it isn't happening, it still hurts.

When I feel this, I want to vomit, experiencing the actual pain all over again, but I couldn't help but hate myself. Right now I don't even think I've fully left my anxiety attack, I think that my boyfriend hates me, even though he said he doesn't, I feel as though no one is caring, I cannot stop my shaking, my heart rate is pounding, I'm ready to be sick and the pain the back of my head is unreal.

I couldn't sleep all last night, I had a few hours in the morning but mainly I sat in bed trying to use my techniques to calm down, I just couldn't. It was the first time in a few weeks that I had thought about suicide, I couldn't cope with the pain, I couldn't cope with telling my mum that I'd hurt myself again, I couldn't cope crying any longer.

But I still woke up this morning, I'm still going to therapy, I'm still trying to be normal. And it is hard.

I don't want to end this post so negatively, I want to show you something to be proud of.

Below you can see a picture of my 1 stone weightloss with a total inch loss of five inches...

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Monday, 17 March 2014

The evolution of society and morals

What a title eh?!

I hope everyone who reads this cares to follow my facebook page (it will keep you updated). But I hope people saw my post on the Bernardo's advert, it left me an emotional wreck, not just because of the content, but the fact that people could find the advert disgusting.

If you have not seen it, it is about a young, and very brave girl called Ellie, and she is talking to her counsellor after her teachers became worried about her missing a lot of school, in the advert she see's herself as worthless, she think's that nobody can help her because she doesn't deserve it, just like how I was, and at the end of the advert, when you think your heart strings have been tugged enough, she enlightens us, this fourteen year old girl, that her so called 'boyfriend' forced her into an abusive sexual relationship, forcing her not just to have sex with him, but multiple grown men... And people want it banned.

My reaction was this: What the actual fuck.

These people asking for it to be banned, a real girls experiences, trying to recover, say it shouldn't be allowed on TV. Funny thing is, I bet, these people asking it to be banned don't care that this is happening world wide, that it could happen to them, that it could happen to their children, grandchildren, their friends or family. They don't realise that in today's society it is more acceptable for a family TV star to sit in front of a camera with her clothes off flaunting everything that should only be seen by the one who loves them, than it is acceptable talking and raising awareness of abuse and mental health problems.

The morals of the world have changed. We care more about sex than our health. Kids as young as twelve and thirteen are sat on facebook posting sexualised pictures because it is deemed as OK. Yet a person who comes out openly about a mental health diagnosis is shunned or hated.

The modern human has evolved about 200,000 years from our primative state, and we still cannot accept mental health problems. Are we progressing in the wrong direction? Has the world advanced so much that we are struggling to go further? Has the human race become so numb to problems that are affecting one in four of us? Or do we choose to be blind?

Ellie's advert

Spread the word through twitter and facebook!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

The mind cottage

Imagine walking down a small stone path, either side there are rows of beautiful geraniums, colours from the deepest pinks to the whitest of whites. Large oak trees standing tall against the bluest of blue skies, the grass the most amazing, relaxing shade of green you could imagine. Walk up the stone path, feel your feet hit the ground and with every step towards the rounded wooden door you feel the pain, the stress and the urges leave your body, leave the world that causes pain behind you and enter the breath taking 'chocolate box' cottage, your mind cottage...

My mind cottage, a place where I can be as beautiful as I desire, where every memory I have ever had is stored.

When I walk into my mind cottage I am greeted with thousands upon thousands of books, the shelves reaching from floor to ceiling, the books are titled and descending in age order. Some books have clear clean pages, the type of hardback you cherish when you first purchase it, these pages contain my love for Rob, my mum, my mother-in-law, they contain recent memories with my pets, my friends...

Other pages have been burnt, these are the memories I cannot remember, that I have burnt out of my memories, the ones I refuse to remember, the ones that I NEED to remember.

But there are the ones, not in age order, but splayed out on the floor, ripped from the binding and consuming the area I am stood, these are the memories that affect my daily life. These are my traumas, my self-hatred, my pain, the times I tried to kill myself and every single time SD hurt me, these show every scar I have created, every event that haunts me, and the faces of everyone who has hurt me.

The memories on the floor, the ones that consume me, cause my Posttraumatic stress disorder, A mental illness brought on by various traumas in a persons life, these traumas create flashbacks, and PTSD often co-insides with depression and anxiety. But although my traumas have ended physically they are still fresh in my mind.

When a person has PTSD, in most cases it starts directly after the trauma has ended, and the person is usually fully recovered within three months, on more serious cases it can take years. This, is me.

My physical traumas ended three years ago, I was then diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, and recently diagnosed with PTSD. And although I have only recently been diagnosed my therapist believes I have had all my mental health problems a lot longer, due to the lack of awareness and stigma around mental health (especially because I was a child) I was not diagnosed for a long time.

But after all my therapy and counselling my past haunts my mind, it ruins my memories like vicious weeds, tangling their roots into my head and corrupting my thoughts. They create my nightmare, they create irrational fears and make me feel unsafe. They make me want to cause fresh wounds on my arms, to shout at the ones I love, but most of all, they cause confusion, I still feel as though SD can hurt me, that, if I walk around a corner he will be there, he will hurt me, or worse, he will do what he promised, he would kill me. And it panics me, even though, I know that there is no way he could hurt me, the police know, I can ring them if he ever tries anything and then he is gone for ever, but it doesn't take that pain away.

This is why me and my therapist have started to create my 'mind cottage'. I was telling him about the new series of 'Sherlock' and how Sherlock Holmes has a mind palace, where he stores everything he has ever experienced. But my mind, my personality is not that extravagant, I'm a small girl, with somewhat amount of intelligence, and I love my books. So although we are still putting down rugs, placing my furniture and building some walls, we are working on my memories, my books.

This feels like an achievement as I'm struggling with techniques, I cannot relax myself, and I cannot sleep. I don't have my sanctuary at Robs home, where as at my mum's, my sanctuary is my bedroom, it is mine and it is safe, it is filled with things I love, and it is created to help me. So my mind cottage, for now, is my sanctuary. A place where no one can hurt me, where I can turn to in times of panic and enter whilst having a flashback.

It is a work in progress, but it feels as though it is helping, especially as my traumas, at times, feel as though it is happening all over again!

One day, I hope, the memories scattered on the floor become far and few, that they get placed on the shelf and covered in dust, an old tale that everyone remembers, but there is no need to read.

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Monday, 3 March 2014

The sinking ship

So my blog posts have become a bit 'far and few' as I'm reading back through them. I hope my readers understand that although I love my blog and it allows as a way to express my feelings, I've had a lot going on in my head.

Last week (on wednesday when I normally post) was my fourth CBT session, and in this session I was diagnosed with a third mental health problem, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Posttraumatic stress disorder. And this, although me and mum knew I had it, I didn't want to hear it, I didn't want the words saying to me nor did I want to accept it, which was exactly the same as when I was first diagnosed properly with severe depression and anxiety. It has become like a grieving, the denial, the sadness, the anger, more sadness. And although I do accept my mental illnesses, and I do not let them define me, I hate them all the same. They changed me, they affected my college work, they affected friendships, they affected everything I once loved, and I still struggle to like things I used to like.

One of the worst things is, becoming depressed made me put six stone on, yes. SIX. In the space of about a year. And that didn't make my depression easier. Although I am trying to lose weight again through slimming world (which is what I originally did) I struggle because of anxiety. I try really hard and I don't see a weight loss and it creates a brick wall in my mind, my first stone is my brick wall and it is so hard to get over, everyone in group, their weight loss is zooming past mine, four weeks and they are at their stone award, four months and I'm not. I start to give up, then I want to do it again, I refuse to let myself quit but I can't help but beat myself up about it. My biggest comfort is food, it always has been since a trauma when I was two. And I feel like a sinking ship. I have a new diagnosis, I'm fat. I can't run fast. I can't be happy for long periods of time. I can't bring myself to see friends. I'm sinking again, a relapse.

One thing I told my therapist. I'd rather be skinny and miserable than fat and miserable. Because then people would treat me normally. See me as a person not a fat depressed little thing.

But this week, two days after diagnosis, my best friend, known to me as Chuckie, dragged me half way across Manchester to the Trafford centre, and new look had a sale. I was looking through and saw a beautiful wine red top. Floral, cropped and beautiful. But the biggest they had was size 14. Now, knowing my pencil skirts are size 14 I decided to try it, and it fit. From a size 18 to 14, I was in absolute shock.

So below I will post pictures of what it looked like, and although I haven't got to my stone yet, I have lost FIVE INCHES from around my waist! Check it out!

Also, my Vlog that should have been up Thursday, the audio messed up big time so it will be uploaded Tuesday night!

My blog is also past 9000 so my big aim is now 10K! please share share share this on facebook and let the world see, the more they see the more it helps others!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx