I've known for many years what it is like to be alone in a crowded room, to be surrounded by hundreds but acknowledged by none. And it always hurt.
I grew up in a large family, but still a single child, I had no brothers or sisters, only cousins, aunties and uncles, each of these having their own siblings. From this I grew up finding it easy to make friends, but as the years progressed I made less friends, but grew closer to the ones I kept. The more SD hit me, the harder it was to be myself, to talk to others, to show how nice I could be. In the end I just kept quiet, offered my opinion where it was needed, I got great reports from school 'lovely girl, kind, very quiet'. Yet back at home, I was constantly trying to shout my mum, SD told her I was always bad and had to be punished, I tried telling her I didn't do anything, there were these constant battles, from the second my mum came from work I'd be near her, I knew that was the only place he couldn't hurt me. She thought I was just trying to argue constantly as I was becoming a teenager.
In the end I think I lost most of my fight, I had it hit out of me, like when an owner beats the bark out of a dog. I had kept my fight for 6 years, and it wasn't until I lost everything, the ex family included, that my mind just... gave up.
I tried to push myself through my first year of college, which became a lousy start, I wasn't offered help by my GP, social services couldn't help me, no child counselling service could 'take me on' and there was a long list for the college counselor. It wasn't until I changed GP over and told him about what had happened that I was referred back to him in two weeks, then weekly after that. This was the first process and diagnosis of my severe depression.
Being diagnosed is completely different from getting help, I think a chimpanzee could see that I was depressed, what I wanted was someone to help me. But it took another few months and my mum's help to find a private counselor, who was amazing, as they took on the task of me! But even my weekly meeting with the counselor and my GP I ended up in A and E with the mental health crisis team. It had gotten to the point where I saw no reason to live, I couldn't cope with my constant memories, the stress of college, my own demon telling me to hurt myself, so I wrote a note out to my mum, I said I was sorry, that I loved her, that I just couldn't take living like this anymore, and planned out my suicide. I'd never really told anyone exactly how I'd do it, I'd told my counselors briefly.
The sad thing was, it wasn't going to be the first time. I think this is what the hardest thing to admit is, something my mum was never told, but I refuse to lie. The first time I'd wanted to give up was when I was in year 9, when SD had told me exactly how he would kill me, when I first ran away and he dragged me back home. And I tried to drown myself, I obviously failed, but planning my suicide wasn't something new to me. And I'm sorry for it. I'm glad I didn't succeed, I got my mum out of such a horrible marriage and family, I made my mum safe, away from him.
But, as I was saying, I planned it out that night, I had cut my wrist for the final time and had a large stash of tablets ready for when mum was at work, I planned to skip college, and to just end my misery. But it didn't work out, at that point I didn't want to be saved, I wanted to be dead, but mum saved me, she drove me to A and E, she missed work, we sat there for hours in a hospital bed, the child psychiatrist finally came to visit, he made me fill out questionnaires and tell him what had happened, my wrists were checked by the nurse to see if I needed stitches, and I was given an appointment to see the psychiatrist the next week. With this visit came medication, it then lead me onto SHIFT for my self harming. The meetings and the counselling and the medication all helped me through, but what helped me through most was as I opened up more to the doctors, I opened up more to my friends and mum, and the more I opened up, the more they understood. My friends knew what I went through, that I was depressed, they knew why most days I couldn't even afford lunch, that when I was down, I was down and all I needed was a hug.
These people have given me my fight back:
My two amazing friends from college helped me, and I'm sure they won't mind me saying, they are called Hannah and Melissa. These girls gave me more cuddles than I could imagine, made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, helped me understand my work, they had patience for me. But the most memorable thing they had ever done, and it's always stuck with me, on a particular down day, when I had no money, I was in tears and had refused to go outside for lunch, I had gone to the counselor at college, and I walked back in and on my desk was a lunch for me, and a note telling me that they loved me. It was a small act but I was so grateful, Girls, you helped save me, you both are truly amazing and I love you both for it!
My bestfriend, Louise, she is an absolute gift, her and her fiance Danny, thank you for being there. Louise was the first person to notice my self harm and she was the one who made me tell my mum about it. She may not realise it, but she helped save my life, She is so close to my heart and is practically a sister to me! She knows how to put a smile on my face, She knows my mind better than I do, and most of all, I can talk to her about anything, Thank you, I love you so much!
My mum, Christine, My hero, the one woman I look up to and would love to grow up to be exactly like her! We may argue at times, struggle to talk, and even swap the mother daughter roles around! But mum, you completely saved my life, and in the end, you were my reason to live. You took me to A and E, you battled work and then came home to battle my depression with me. You are the most beautiful woman alive (Luckily I get my looks from you) but in both personality and looks, I'm glad you are my mum, I couldn't ask for anyone better. Thank you for giving me my life, and thank you for stopping me taking it, I love you more than you could ever know!
My dearest Rob, my partner in crime, soulmate. It feels like we've been married for 50 years! But the second I saw your smile I fell head over heels in love. I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet to have found the love of my life so young, you have the kindest, loveliest personality I know, and from day one you gave me hope. I love you.
My running club I go to! Chorlton runners! I have attended since november and wow, the support you have given to both me and my mum, you really are like a family. Thank you to everyone in the 'eco's' as well, you all manage to put a smile on my face, and it is so great to have lovely people like all of you to support us! you've all helped us more than you think! Thank you.
My tutor, from college, someone who from day one I found amazing and got on with! Someone who knew what was going through my mind, who helped me day in day out, who gave me time off if it was needed, and who supported my mum when I was in A and E, I'm not sure whether you want to be mentioned by name, but if you read this, I hope you know it is you. Thank you for everything, from accepting my college interview to being there on the 'graduation day', you really were the best tutor I ever had, thank you.
And to everyone else, the lovely messages, old friends and new, all the people reading this blog, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart I am so grateful, it really is helping to make my life that little bit easier!
These are my thank you's, to everyone, because you all deserve to be recognised as the amazing people that you are, and you will all hold a place in my heart! Please continue reading and sharing, and remember, It doesn't take a huge act of kindness to impact someones life, it could just be a smile in the hallway or a conversation over a coffee, but it makes a difference...
Lots of love,