The Lucy Eperience

The Lucy Eperience

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Triggers

When people talk about 'triggers' they mean something that can bring on a depressive episode, it can include reading certain posts that can bring back memories or make the reader sad and watching TV that shows triggering material.

For me, my triggers are small and random, it could be talking about my experiences, or someone being insensitive about certain subjects, even the bus being late or not being able to find a matching pair of socks, little things can upset me and it annoys me.

I find myself getting overly annoyed about something so small and pathetic that other people could just get on with, and it worries me because I feel like I'm really struggling to get better.

I remember on many occasions being truly exhausted and just letting out my tears, and I couldn't stop crying, and then I didn't know why I was crying so I cried even more. Mine and mum's routine was wake up (well she would wake up), we would go to work/college, come home, curl up in bed together, cry, nap, get up, walk Doofy, then go back and curl up in bed together. We spent hours talking, and crying, and arguing, and more crying, and in the end mum was getting nearly as little sleep as I was.

Through that hard time me and my mum kept quiet about our life, we got on with work and college, we broke down,we'd pick ourselves back up and get on with it. I found it hard to tell people, I felt ashamed, I felt guilty, and I thought I deserved what SD had done to me.

It wasn't until a few malicious people started to make fun of me for what happened, they made fun of my illness, my past and said I actually deserved it was when the guilt partially subsided and in its place came anger.

When my anger came it was ferocious and I was willing to let everyone know that I was miserable.

But now, although I am depressed, I know I didn't deserve anything that had happened, I've never purposely hurt someone unless they hurt me first, and I know I do not deserve anything bad to happen to me. I am not guilty, I do not blame my mum, and I do not  blame myself.

SD may have ruined my past, but I will not let him, or anyone else ruin my future. I plan to have a good, helpful and kind life ahead of me and I will always have more love in my heart than hatred.

In some aspects, I really hope the ex 'family' are reading this, but one thing I want to make clear to them if they do read it:

No matter how many times you called me a bitch, a liar, and told me I was not welcome on your doorsteps. Each and every one of your comments made me ten times better than all of you combined. Have your 'family' filled with control and obsession and false claims. Have each other follow your ring leaders, gossip with your friends and make it look like I was a bad person. But don't you ever look at me and my mum, your eyes are not worthy of us, let alone our presence in your family. I hope you live a life of guilt knowing that I begged for your help and you didn't do anything about it. Because I am glad you are gone, my family now, although not blood is better, happier and stronger than ever. And they have never hurt me like you all did.

Lots of love,
Luce xxx