So as a depressive I tend to get A lot of up's and down's... But (with unknown reasons) I have completely slumped, I feel the lowest that I've felt in just under two years... but I don't know why!
I know it is OK to have a bad day, a bad two days, but now it has been a week, whether it's my nerves for getting a new counsellor as it takes A lot of time for me to build trust, or getting ready for my university applications, I just feel like I've fallen to the bottom of a big dark well.
Today I have tried everything that I would normally do to pick myself up (without self harming) and I was failing, my brain had a block on it. And as I sat on the living room floor in tears just a few hours ago I jumped up to the office...
What people should know was, when I had my private counsellor, In an extremely low place, I struggled to talk to them. I loved that they were there to help me, but I couldn't talk, or explain.
My counsellor got me to create helpful drawings or play games to help me understand what was going on in my head, and one day, I told my counsellor I wanted to kill myself. I explained how I would do it... That was when they made me create my 'emergency first aid box'. A drawing of a box, and everything that made me want to live, or made life easier for me, I put in the box.
I put chocolate. (for my comfort eating)
I put my dog. (the only thing that gave us motivation to get up)
I put friends. (their support made me love again)
I put medication. (to stop me killing myself)
And I put my mummy. She is my rock, my hero, and the woman that I aspire to be. I love her more than anything and I understand that if I killed myself she would truly be alone, She chose me over her family, She chose me over her marriage, and she saved my life. She saves my life everyday, she knows what to do when I panic, she knows how to calm me down, we even have our own little signal for when its OK to have a cuddle!
When I get upset I don't like human contact, I don't like compassion or people trying to relax me, but once I have calmed myself down, I don't even have to look at my mum, I just hold my hands up, open them and then close them, Like a child asking to be picked up, and that is our cuddle time. A sacred warming hug that can brighten any day.
I looked at my box today, hung up on my special wall in the office, It is made for my breakdowns and always stocked. And when my mum is home, what I need is a cuddle. A big one.
I hope you can all give a loved on a hug today, tell them that you care, how much they mean to you. It really does help.
Lots of love,