So today is an update, in my world it is a very important update...
My GP has referred me to a counselor!
But to get the referral has been draining, I walked up to my local doctors after under 3 hours sleep, thinking my appointment was at quarter past nine, I forced myself to be early as normally I'm 20 minutes late and he tells me off!
But no. Not today. Today I am an hour early. In fact I'm so early 13 people went in before me and I was seen 20 minutes after my actual appointment time! I sat in his office for 30 minutes in tears asking for a counselor, now I wouldn't normally cry but he is a new doctor and had no idea why I needed counselling. Sitting in his office dragged everything up, Its hard enough writing about my experiences and even then I still cry, but I felt as though I had been put right back at the start of when I was first diagnosed, when the only time I was offered help was when I was taken to A and E by my mum. And it scared me.
I do not want to be in that place, but without a counselor I can feel myself slipping. One of the reasons I wrote this blog was to help me, as well as others. But it is to let the world hear my pain, to show everyone who ignored my please for help, to not only help people see they are not alone, but also to help me feel like I'm not alone as well.
Before I met Rob I was truly one of the loneliest people on the planet. I had no brothers or sisters, no family to talk to. I couldn't tell mum how I was feeling and I couldn't explain to my friends that all I wanted to be was dead. The only thing I could speak to was my imaginary .. 'person'. My demon. I called her Sophie and she scared the living crap out of me.
She was the thing in my head telling me to hurt myself, to hurt other people and said that I should kill myself. She made me scared of the dark. Luckily I do not see her now. But there are times where I can hear her, when I'm extremely low, when I consider hurting myself.
But in two to three weeks I will be mending myself. And I will still be posting helpful and motivational posts!
I may even do a 'special' post when I'm feeling a little happier, see keep an eye out for that!
But for tonight, I wish you all happiness! And I'm sending my love and hugs to everyone that needs it!
Lots of love,