The Lucy Eperience

The Lucy Eperience

Monday, 23 December 2013

A break till new year

So throughout December I've kick started my blog! I've told the world about my mental illness and what caused it, I've made new friends, caught up with old friends and I've let a lot of pain off my chest, but as I've posted on twitter, Christmas is now my family time so I am taking up until new year off to bask in the love of my mum, boyfriend and mother-in-law, after new year I will keep an update, my weight loss progression and include many more helpful posts!
But until next year, it's Bon voyage, have a very merry Christmas, a fantastic new year and I hope you all keep yourselves and loved ones safe!
 keep sharing, follow my facebook and twitter for smaller updates and I bid you farewell!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

My Christmas hat and fantastic tree full of presents!

Saturday, 21 December 2013

But thats not abuse??

People may only see abuse as physically hurting or attacking others, but abuse is a very wide spectrum starting with...

Control- Controlling a person, whether a child, adult or an elderly person is still abuse. You can abuse a person financially, or even over what they wear, say or how they do things. For example, a carer may abuse a patient by taking their money and telling them that they have to spend it on 'this, this and this' but not on what the patient wants or needs, another example is (what happened to me) The adult controls what the child says to people, E.G using threats so they can't tell people about abuse, what they wear (taking items off them so they cannot wear it), or taking items off them (such as laptops) when there is no need for punishment just so they cannot do their homework or work, causing them extra trouble or punishment at work or school.

Verbal- Verbal abuse is common and also known as verbal bullying. The abuser may threaten the victim, call them names or even make them feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. Words can have a lot of power over a person who feels so small and has no confidence, Words could cause them to unwillingly hurt themselves or others due to the threats and can emotionally scar the victim for the rest of their lives.

Physical- Physical abuse is commonly recognised around the world, the ongoing act of physically hurting someone just to give yourself power or make yourself feel better. Pushing, hitting, biting, punching, slapping, twisting limbs or pulling hair, kicking and spitting. All of it is physical abuse, and is done repeatedly (Usually behind closed doors) this means there are no witnesses and the use of verbal abuse can be used to stop the victim acting or speaking out loud, causing the problem to go on longer. If a person finds themselves in this situation, ignore the threats, 90% of them are empty and if told to the proper authorities it will be ended as soon as possible. Physical abuse can leave emotional and physical scarring for the rest of a persons life, and could cause severe psychological problems (Such as depression, schizophrenia, MPD and anxiety.)

Sexual- Sexual abuse is any sexual contact that is not consented. Sexual abuse can happen to any age or gender. If sexual contact is not consented and continues to proceed then the abuser could face criminal charges. Sexual abuse can be touching private bodily areas, forced kissing, intercourse, forced fore-play and so on. Sexual abuse is commonly used alongside verbal and physical, using the act of threats and creating fear to stop the victim speaking out.

FACT: Abuse can happen to males and females, any age group and at any time!

Please, if any of my readers know someone who is going through the types of abuse above, or if you are going through it yourself, I urge you to come forwards. Help is one phone call away!

REMEMBER! I have posted a lot of UK links at the bottom of my blog; if this affects you or you believe you or someone else is going through this, check the links out!

No one should have to go through abuse, coming from a victim and a survivor, I send my love and my prayers.

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Friday, 20 December 2013

My guardian angel

As my readers probably noticed, I didn't post yesterday as I had a big day ahead of me!

I finished all my Christmas shopping and brought it from Bolton all the way down to Stretford (a very long and strange bus ride) and started to prepare for the Christmas quiz with my running club! I wore my amazing red dress that is a size smaller than what I'd normally buy and it fit perfectly! My night ended on a lovely high!

But on the bus ride, which I noted down as weird, An elderly man came to sit next to me on a nearly empty bus and the conversation went something like this:

*Me checking my blog on my phone and slightly turn it away as I notice him sat beside me*
Him: Don't worry I can't see a thing on the screen! Forgot my glasses!
Me: sorry, *laugh* It's a natural reaction.
Him: I don't know why I'm saying this, but I need too...
Me: ...
Him: Don't blame your mum for what he did to you..
Me: But I d....
Him: You will have both your freedom at Christmas, remember you're A warrior.

Now this man, this mysterious guardian angel, He didn't know me, I didn't know him and I'm 100% he doesn't know my mum as he only got on for 2 stops, spoke to me then got off.

What most of my readers also do not know is that my full name has meanings, very important meanings to me and my mum...
Lucy, my first name, is Latin for Light! I was the light of my mums world when I was born (Still am!)
Aloise means WARRIOR a name I chose myself last year when I legally changed my name.
My last name is Isabella, It means God's gift. I was mums gift of God as she thought she would never have a child.
So the fact that this man called me a warrior is a very spooky situation.
That choice of word, whether on purpose, or by coincidence, I find this old man my guardian angel...

So thank you, my mysterious angel, for making me reconsider my thoughts, my actions and ideas...
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Getting your jog on!

Since I first started losing weight properly I found running the most soothing and mind clearing sport to help with my weight loss, after becoming too depressed to really do much I lost my love for it, but since I got my Mojo back i've been working and training hard, Me and my mum (after I'd gained weight) both started running at around 16 minutes a mile (extremely slow) and we can now manage around 12 minutes 30 seconds per mile! This has progressed in about 2 months and we are extremely proud! Not to mention I'm coming up to my first stone weight loss!

From day one of being diagnosed I was told that exercise would help my mental health, and after 2 years I re-found my love of running and realised how much I had missed it, including how alive it made me felt and how I didn't have to think of anything except my feet hitting the ground.

Now that my heart is fully into my weight loss and running I have been signed up to do multiple races! including the electric run and the Manchester BUPA 10K! for which I can raise money for charity (I would love to raise it for MIND or Millie's trust, a peadiatric first aid charity teaching parents free BLS for their babies!) We have been working very hard on our runs and as well as in the gym, and we will be pushing it even harder after new year!

One thing I would advise all my readers to do is start pounding the streets! throw on them shorts, lace up your trainers and GET YOUR JOG ON! It really helps to clear your mind and it keeps you fit!

Have a great night (Or day for my foreign friends)! And keep sharing with your friends and family!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

                                   Two of me and mum's great runs! the bottom with the running club!

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

getting recognition!

So I walked into my running club tonight and realised that people were noticing me from my blog! I had a few great chats about it and met some lovely new friends! So thank you for taking the time to read my posts, every person who acknowledges what I write is amazing! And for everyone who has shared my pages, thank you, not just from me but everyone it has helped! I wouldn't get anywhere without support from my readers and all this amazing feedback!

Since writing this it has really helped to start turning my life around, It had been playing on my mind for a long while to start a blog but I knew that I just wasn't able to cope with it all, but now I am.

For a long while I thought me and mum were alone because we had the whole of the ex 'family' against us, but our family has expanded, it has expanded to my boyfriend and mother-in-law, it has expanded with friends, it has expanded with every single person who has read this blog, we now have thousands of peoples support world wide, and it feels amazing! So I thank each and everyone of you, from America, to Russia, to France, Germany, the Netherlands, Cambodia and Ireland! Thank you all so, so much!

Keep up being amazing and keep sharing! maybe your share could save someone else's life!

From the great words of Doctor Who...
"Do you know, in 900 years of time and space, I've never met anyone who wasn't important before."
Thank you Matt Smith!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Lending a helping hand

I've not posted today. But don't worry, I've had a lovely relaxed day as yesterday I lost half a pound, and today I've been reading and baking.
I've cooked a bunch of lovely mince pies for the running club tonight (even though I can't stand mince pies). I've always loved baking, I find it a therapy to help me when I'm down or angry, usually I bake big chocolate cakes with buttercream, but considering it's Christmas I thought I'd bake something festive!
So today has been a good day. A day without thinking or worrying (apart from is my mince pies taste rubbish) but mum confirmed that they taste Devine! But I've kept my spirits high after having a lovely talk with mum and watching Christmas films yesterday.
I thought that with all the feedback I get asking for help that I would post some very important links for anyone that needs to talk to someone...

Firstly my facebook link is at the side of my posts, where you can keep updated with my blog

Secondly MIND, a charity for people with mental health problems, they have links to important phone numbers and counsellors

Third is another amazing charity that have helped me a lot

NHS Direct- call 111 if you are in need or know you feel suicidal or a danger to yourself or others. Also call your local hospital and ask for a and e, check to see (as most a and e's have them) a mental health crisis team, they have an on call psychiatrist to help you if you are in need.

I know this is only a short post but I will post official links tonight at the bottom
Of my page, have a great night!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Monday, 16 December 2013

Control that Temper!

Soon after me and mum were abandoned I had a very hard time controlling my emotions (including my anger) I enjoyed hurting or upsetting people if I thought they were too happy. That sounds horrible, I know, but in my mind I thought if I wasn't allowed to be happy... why should others be? I became very aggressive towards people, I lost some ''friends'' who turned out not to be friends, and made some that stuck by my side no matter what I said. The only way I could cope with my emotions was either to hurt myself, or to hurt others.

I'd grown up being the underdog, the girl in school people didn't like until I lost weight. The geek who worked hard in school, I only ever worked hard so I could get to college and university, I knew if I got to university I could have escaped SD. But this anger that kept growing inside me, it was like a parasite, working its way deeper into my soul, I wasn't me. I wasn't a horrible person, but I was a scared little girl who had been hurt way too many times. And I wasn't willing to let anyone hurt me again.

My first year in college was rocky, I'd go into a rage if someone even looked at me in a funny way, because of this, my counsellor decided to try anger management with me, I felt a bit stupid doing anger management with her, I couldn't see it working... that was until she taught me the 'helicopter view'.

The helicopter view is the use of your imagination to look down on a situation from a birds eye view, like looking down at yourself in a helicopter.

As a creative girl I found this an easy concept, although much difficult in a situation when you just want to punch someone...

She taught me to 'step out of my body' and examine the situation around me, examine what had made me like this, if it was rational, what it would look like from someone else's view, and also what would be the wisest action to take (apparently not punching someone).

I found this an easier exercise for me, although there are many others! take a look at the website below for a full booklet that you can print off and keep so you can fill it in!
 I hope you all found this helpful!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

                                                        Here is my visualisation work sheet

Sunday, 15 December 2013

That Festive feeling!

It took me a long while this year to feel festive, I've been none stop worrying and in all honesty it even made me cry.

This year has been a tough one, yet a productive one. I've been to the police to prosecute SD, I've gone through tough long interviews that brought up so many emotions and left me feeling worse than better, one thing I never thought was that I'd have a witness, but I did, someone who saw the marks, the pain, who listened to my whole story. He was my cousin who agreed to testify against him. But after the case getting to the crown court, they ignored the 6 years of hell, the daily abuse and the controlling adult, they put it down to one incident and classed it as an 'attack'. I was so let down and it didn't help my recovery in the slightest. The fact that a group of adults just shut down a long case of child abuse in an instance as they couldn't see how much he had hurt me, how much he had scarred me for life, and how it affects the way I live. Me and mum have also been through the 3 year process of her divorce from SD, and that was a relief.
The end of college brought A lot of stress to me, Completing everything on time, but I ended up with 2 A's and a B.
And then it got to November... the month before Christmas, and although I really do not want to admit it... I started grieving the loss of our large family. Not the family itself, but more the idea that me and mum were alone when we should be surrounded by a family, it killed me, I couldn't fake my usual smile, and my mum saw through me.

We took an expensive trip to Bents garden centre to look at the trees, we put up all our decorations and I even baked a mass of treats, our homes look beautiful, we've planned Christmas day and going on a Christmas eve run with the running club!

We've sent out our Christmas cards and bought most of our presents and we are taking every day as it comes, keeping a positive light whilst watching the trees twinkle. I'm hoping that this year will end on a high.

Now I'm feeling Christmas-y the idea of wrapping all the presents and putting them under our tree's is making me excited!

Merry Christmas my amazing readers!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

                                                                 Our pink tree!

                                                        Our special decorations and tree's

                                                                   Christmas treats

                                              The camels we met in Bolton for a parade!

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Regular Questions

There seems to be a theme in my feedback, almost everyone who has messaged me has asked this little question...

'do you take medication?' The answer is yes, yes I do, I was given it at the ripe old age of 16, 2 years under the age limit as my psychiatrist knew I couldn't cope.

I take fluoxetine (Prozac/Prozep) which although balances my mood to help me cope in day to day life, it leaves me with suicidal thoughts when down. This is a side effect of the medication, and I can honestly say since stopping self harming and talking to the police the urge to kill myself has settled and unless I am part of another tragedy, I don't believe I would kill myself. Other symptoms of mine are sickness, headaches and really strong withdrawal symptoms if I miss a day (I tend to be very nasty and get upset over nothing).

Although I was underage for the limit of my medication I was put on as just my counsellors and psychiatrist were not enough to help me and all I did was deteriorate.

I wouldn't recommend the use of anti-depressants/anti-psychotic drugs to anyone, unless extremely necessary as they become addictive, work alongside your psychiatrist or counselor, work with the nurses and doctors to naturally help your mental health, do not rely on pharmaceuticals, its so much healthier and trying to end the drug use delays your progress and brings you down!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

the cliché of 'a new year new me'

Its such a crap saying 'a new year new me'

Its over used and no one changes a thing, I'm also sick of seeing it all over my facebook, So I'm changing it up! At the end of October I joined slimming world, A fantastic group of people who helped me before my depression, I first joined slimming world when I was 15 and lost nearly 4 stone in weight, I loved it, I was thin, beautiful and could wear anything I liked! But to comfort myself I began eating a lot of naughty foods!

But october 2013 I re-started my journey through weightloss and now I am coming up to my first stone and fit into a cute little size 14 party number! I thought I'd show all my readers what I achieved and what I am striving to achieve now!

I promise to keep all my readers updated about my weightloss and my journey! Keep safe!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

                                                                          me in 2010

                                                                     me in 2011


                                                                       may 2011

                                                                      July 2011

                                                                   September 2011

                                                                           Me now- 2013

Many sleepless nights

This post is how I cope with not sleeping, I've struggled for three years with sleep, I've even tried hypnotherapy (In my case it helped more than it didn't help, but I still struggle to sleep).

For reference when I say 'SD' it means 'sperm donor' as I cannot stand using the term 'dad'. SD is what we call him daily.
I suffer from really bad nightmares, and that probably sounds silly, but every night when I close my eyes all that goes through my head is the abuse I went through... I get chased through a forest by SD, I keep running until I find myself in a large opening, at this point my mums 'family' circle me, enclosing me in with SD where he proceeds to hit me until I'm close to dying, on the final hit this is where I wake up, and this nightmare usually lasts about half an hour. I then lie there awake for a good 2 hours, I either cry or worry about things that I shouldn't worry about. With this happening I usually get around 3-4 hours sleep a night.
When I was in a worse state, I used to live off about half an hours sleep a night, then go to college or my hospital placements, I really struggled, I'd be even more... tender? snappy? but very easily upset, especially because we had to study about child abuse in lessons, it was hard for me, especially hearing peoples comments about it, how they didn't care and took the lessons for a joke, I felt almost disrespected and this usually resulted in tears. Over the 3 years I have grown used to my nightmares and they don't affect me as much, before when I wasn't used to them I could never get back to sleep, now I know I can go back off to sleep and not be too upset.

I have some tips for anyone who suffers from insomnia or nightmares thanks to the NHS...

1. Keep regular hours

2. Create a restful sleeping environment

3. Exercise regularly

4. Less caffeine

5. Don’t over-indulge

6. Don’t smoke

7. Try to relax before going to bed

8. Write away your worries

9. Don't worry in bed

Going to bed and getting up at roughly the same time every day will programme your body to sleep better. 

Choose a time when you're most likely to feel sleepy. For me this is around Half 1, although it's late I find myself feeling tired which makes it easier to sleep.

Your bedroom should be kept for rest and sleep. Keep it as quiet and dark as possible. It should be neither too hot nor too cold. Temperature, lighting and noise should be controlled so that the bedroom environment helps you to fall (and stay) asleep. Remember, your bedroom should be your sanctuary.

Moderate exercise on a regular basis, such as swimming or walking, can help to relieve some of the tension built up over the day. But don't do vigorous exercise too close to bedtime as it may keep you awake. For me exercise is very regular and easy, I am in a running club and a proud gym membership owner, I exercise 4-5 times a week, usually an hour and a half a day, it relaxes my mind and keeps positive energy flowing!

Cut down on stimulants such as caffeine in tea or coffee, especially in the evening. They interfere with the process of falling asleep, and they prevent deep sleep. The effects of caffeine can last a long time (up to 24 hours) so the chances of it affecting sleep are significant. Have a warm, milky drink or herbal tea instead.

Too much food or alcohol, especially late at night, can interrupt your sleep patterns. Alcohol may help you to fall asleep initially, but it will disrupt your sleep later on in the night.  

Smoking is bad for sleep. Smokers take longer to fall asleep, they wake up more frequently, and they often have a more disrupted sleep.

Have a warm bath, listen to quiet music or do some gentle yoga to relax the mind and body. Your doctor may be able to recommend a helpful relaxation CD.

Deal with worries or a heavy workload by making lists of things to be tackled the next day. If you tend to lie in bed thinking about tomorrow's tasks, set aside time before bedtime to review the day and make plans for the next day. The goal is to avoid doing these things when you're in bed, trying to sleep. I keep myself a diary, a log of when I wake up and whats on my mind, I then read it in the morning and see what has been bothering me.

If you can’t sleep, don’t lie there worrying about it. Get up and do something you find relaxing until you feel sleepy again, then return to bed. I'm a massive worrier, I find it easier to walk about at night, read a book or watch one of my favourite TV shows.

I hope my readers find this helpful, I know getting insight on how to help me sleep worked for me, and Its nice to write down my worries.
Thank you all for reading!
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Friday, 13 December 2013

A nerd night out!

Unlike most couples, me and my Rob embrace our geek-ness and indulge ourselves in nights of our favourite things, such as (tonight) watching The Hobbit 2: The decimation of Smaug! OH BOY!

For me, fan-girling is a huge part of my nature, I take pride in my love of Doctor who, Star Wars, LOTR, Sherlock and so on, so forth. I enjoy sitting around watching 9 and a half hours (new record) of my favourite science fiction and adventure more than I enjoy drinking. Don't get me wrong, I'm 18 and love my party nights, but in the end, after a night out my mood drops, but a night cuddled up on the couch watching all three LOTR in a row makes me feel magical!  I want to be whisked away by an alien in a blue box for an adventure to find Gallifrey, I want to be Sherlock's blogger on his adventures and I want to find myself in a forest surrounded by Ewoks! But I can't, so I just watch it all instead...

Today I was in a really good, uplifted mood, I felt quite normal. My little heart was so excited to see The Hobbit, I got dressed up and did my make-up, Rob was just as excited as I was! And it was fantastic, moving and utterly hilarious! Until the end...


The end saddened me, I wasn't expecting a cliff hanger and it left me down heartened, mainly because I know I now have to wait a year to see Smaug get royally fucked up and I just don't have the patience! If any of my readers watched The Hobbit 2 tonight, Please tell me what you thought of the ending? And did it disappoint you?

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Me and Robster the Lobster before the Hobbit! Trying not to act too geeky with excitement!

What goes around comes back around

In the past 12 hours I have already recieved lots of really positive feedback! And considering I thought no one would read my blog I think this is truly amazing! I've heard other peoples experiences, other peoples reactions and I've even been told I've made a few of my readers cry! But listen to this next line

Please do not cry for me, my mum, my story, we have cried enough to last a life time, smile and keep in mind that I survived, I'm writing this and my life (although has some scarily low points) is feeling better, I have my amazing boyfriend rob, he supports me through everything, he is my rock and I always tell him that. Me and my mum are best friends, we are so close and I'm always so greatful that she stayed by my side, she lost her whole family, her mum, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews, just to protect me. I am eternally greatful and although we still have our little tantrums and fall outs, I would never stop loving her.

On a really positive note, we rescued a little dog yesterday... He lived across the road from us and was called Wilf! Wilfs owners weren't very nice and he always cried (we say abused) and he finally escaped and came to us, we took him to the vets, they told us his name, he was about 4 years old and a brindle coloured staffie. The vets heard out story of how he's always crying and very scared of people, and said in a "wink wink nudge nudge" kind of way that we were correct and for us to take him home and call the warden, we bathed him, fed him and cuddled the life out of him and soon we got his tail out from between his legs and wagging constantly, we found out he's a big kisser if you put your head too close, but after a few hours the warden came to take him, if the owners wanted him back they'd have to pay a fee, if not or they find the conditions are not good for a dog they will be prosecuted and not allowed to own an animal again (good!) and Wilf will be given a new and loving family! It still hurt to hand him over to the warden, it's the third animal I've rescued this year and each time I want to keep them! 

It's the release of the hobbit part 2 today! Me and rob have our tickets booked and are very excited! The first hobbit was our first alone cinema trip together towards the beginning of our relationship, so 16 months on it will be nice to see the second! 2 and a half hours of NERDTASTIC fun!!! 
Lots of love,
Luce xxx

Here's a picture of rob and Wilf just before his bath, isn't he a cutie?

Thursday, 12 December 2013

About Me

This post is about me, what I do and my experiences.

In 2011 I was diagnosed with severe depression, my life felt like it had spiraled out of control into an endless pit of darkness, this hauled me down a path of self harm and over eating. My self harm soon escalated until I was Cutting deep horrible words into my arm, even to this day is still have the faint scarring of 'hate' across my wrist, luckily my cuts slowly but surely faded. Every time I look towards my wrist the feeling of regret and pain hits me, I regret every scar I created and wish I had never done that. Luckily it has been 18 months since I last cut myself, thanks to the help from a university research team that was looking into why children self harmed, their name was 'SHIFT'. I was one of hundreds of teenagers that were in the study and was offered free family counselling that ended September of this year.

Now before I was offered my counselling I put up a huge struggle alongside my mum to find a counselor, Every time I reached out for help, to find some support and stability I was pushed aside, I had tried multiple teen support groups and the doctors that offered counselling and I was put down as I was 'outside the area' or 'just over the age limit'. I was even offered a place for counselling over the phone and rang me up a few minutes later saying they'd made a mistake and were unable to help me, even though I had confessed I was suicidal and thought I couldn't cope any longer.

I struggled by with my first few months of college,but it had gotten too much that even creating a simple diagram of the heart had me flooded with tears as it wouldn't turn out right, in that instance I had ripped it up and couldn't control myself. I felt as though I had failed, I'm glad that on that night I had my mothers arms around me, telling me it would be OK, even though I knew it wouldn't.

All my depression, my anger and hatred stems back to when I was 10 years old, this was the age my biological father started abusing me.

It was not just words that hurt, but the way he used to twist my arms and wrists, how he'd pin me down and threaten me, tell me how no one would believe me and my mum would hate me, as a 10 year old I believed him. This lasted until I was 16, this is when I finally came out about what he had done to me. Each year the abuse got worse, on the final day he ever hurt me was the day I ran away, the day his abuse got so much I was scared for my own life, the day he pinned me up by my throat, nearly snapped my arm, it was also the day I hit back.

I found myself struggling to breath, hoping he'd soon let go, but he wasn't. I could see in his eyes that he wasn't. He seemed prepared to kill his own flesh and blood. His only daughter.

At the point I felt I was about to pass out, I could see my life flashing before my eyes, all the times he'd hit me, hurt me, threatened to kill me, it all rushed past and I scratched out. He let go of my arm and I wriggled out of his grasp around my neck, he pushed me onto the sofa, raising his fist, I was kicking and screaming, crying for any help at all, I threw something at him, Missed. Luckily something caught his eye, and I saw my moment and ran, I ran as far and as fast as my little legs and lungs could go. I only ever looked back once, and all I saw was him creating a large cut over my scratch with a knife. I got from Urmston to old Trafford, cradling my wrist and throat. I'd finally reached my quickly thought up goal, my grandma's. sadly she wasn't in, but after sitting on the step crying my cousin walked up and found me, he took me in, tried to calm me down, rang my mum. Immediately she went home and spoke to Ian, he had bade up some BS story about how I had lashed out and started attacking him for no reason, then she came to get me. She saw the large finger marks around my wrist and neck, we got back and there was a screaming match between her and him, she'd got his clothes and kicked him out. That was when he went and told the same sob story to my grandma, and she believed him. After a large struggle of getting him kicked out once and for all my mums family started shoving their noses into what had happened, they never once bothered to ask me what had happened, only him. At this point I spoke to one of my friends on facebook and openly posted that I did not have a dad, the family then told me to stop saying horrible things... my reply: He isn't a dad, what he did to me was disgusting and doesn't deserve to have me as a daughter. To this response the cult leader of the family went around and said I told them he sexually abused me. He had never touched me in that way. ever. I had never said them words and wouldn't falsely accuse someone of being a child molester. But I will openly and happily call him a disgusting slimeball of an alcoholic who deserves absolutely no happiness in life and I hope he croaks it, he is a child abuser and should not be allowed near kids. I've even said that to him. haha.

anyway, after retaliating against the 'family' I was called a 'bitch' and was unwelcome on any of their door steps. They then proceeded to try and turn my own mother against me. And how my heroic mum had basically told them to 'eff off' I will never be as thankful for anything than I am for that. To know after all that misery someone actually loved me. Heaven.

Just incase any 'family' member tries to read this, just know. Through all the punches, hits, threats and pain... I got through my GCSE's highest out of the family. Nearly straight A's. I also got higher than any other family member getting two A's and  a B in college studying nursing. I am now going onto university (again higher than them) to study mental health nursing. Helping others like me.

After all the pain, self harm and suicide attempts I can now say I am better than any of that family. The people who said they loved me but wished me hell. I can now waft my huge middle fingered salute as I run past their houses with my running club and smile. My life may be difficult but it has made me an amazing person, I know what real love is, what compassion is and I love showing it in my job.

I will be posting regularly about updates, what I do to cope, different strategies I use in day to day life and that could help everyone's mental well-being!

so long for now guys, I hope to see you on my next post!

Lots of love,
Luce xxx

A fresh start!

        I'm not sure what prompted me to write a blog, whether it was an act of boredom, the need to release my thoughts or the little niggling sensation in my brain saying 'Hey luce, you've read enough blogs that have helped you, why not help others?'.
        Either way, here I am, My name is Lucy Isabella, a self taught procrastinator, lover of art, and a diagnosed depressive. I have a beautiful mum, a supportive boyfriend and 3 dogs. Duke, Zippy and my one and only... Doofy. I have a very small but happy family, with only two biological members: My mum, Christine, and my mums brother, my uncle, Neil. The rest I have chosen and kept close to my heart as even though they are not blood, they helped me survive through some of the worst years of my life. 8 and a half years if I am being exact. Through out my blog you will see my highest of moods, to the lowest, how I survive, what keeps me going and also my amazing journey of losing weight!

My doofy, Irish wolfhound cross


The drag queen legend, Duke